"Change what's within in order to change what's around."
- Stephen Thurston
- Stephen Thurston
As we mature in relationships we discover that boundaries in relationships aren’t about fixing our partner or making our partner do anything specific, rather the boundaries that we set should provide context for each partner to grow. A common mistake that we often make, when we hit a rocky road in the relationship, is making it a “person problem” rather than a “relationship problem,” thus leading us down the path of challenging or forcing our partner to change their ways.
Though you may share no blame or responsibility in creating the problems that exist in your relationship, you should take the initiative to solve them. Yeah, I know that’s not what you wanted to hear and you’re tempted to sign off now, but wait. Let me challenge you to continue reading because there are things that you can do to help turn things around. Instead of setting limits and boundaries on our partner, I want to challenge us to set limits on ourselves.
TAKING OWNERSHIP OF OUR LIVES
Setting boundaries on ourselves is important because it enables us to take responsibility for our hearts, our love, our time, and our talents. What we often fail to realize is that in neglecting to set boundaries with ourselves, but instead focusing on setting boundaries with our partner we limit our own growth. When our focus is only on changing someone else, they reap the benefit of our efforts, but the important work gets neglected… the important work of changing what’s within in order to change what’s around. While we are partly responsible for growing our relationships, we are completely responsible for developing ourselves! It’s growth and maturity that leads us to the place where we become more deeply concerned about our own issues over and above our partner’s.
Additionally, realizing our need for limits aids us in submitting to the same rules we desire our partner submits to. Yeah, that means we’ve got to cut out the double standards… When we submit to the boundary process it equalizes the relationship and keeps both parties in a mutual relationship rather than a lopsided relationship.
FREEING YOUR SPOUSE BY LIMITING YOURSELF
Another added benefit of setting limits on yourself is that it creates an environment in which your partner can become free to choose and free to grow. In case you haven’t figured it out by now controlling, nagging, complying to gain approval, and blaming are all futile in helping your spouse to grow. Well Stephen what can I do to assist my partner in their growth process? Great question, glad you asked. When your partner is positioned to face the consequences of their actions, rather than your nagging and hounding, they stand a better chance of changing.
Of all the aspects of ourselves that we need to set limits on, our attempts to control our partner is the most crucial. Control is a sure-fire way to destroy the trust and love that have been built within your relationship. Boundaries preserve the freedom of one’s partner without at the same time enabling the irresponsibility’s of that partner. Well Stephen, how do I know if I’m really controlling or if that’s just a
line my partner is feeding me? Ummmm, if they feel that you are and they tell you that you are then you probably are, but here are three good clues:
1. You don’t respect the other’s no
2. You find yourself punishing a “wrong” choice
3. You don’t value the other’s freedom
The highest calling of a significant other is to the call to love. Love means doing what you can for your partner, and setting boundaries on yourself is one of the most loving things that you can do in your relationship.