Rebuilding Trust

Trust is the bedrock of what makes relationships work. It’s the fundamental process of love and intimacy. When trust leaves so does safety, security, respect, love, and friendship. They are replaced by anger, insecurity, fear, and anxiety. When trust leaves you’ll find that life becomes laced with arguments. There’s uncertainty about what’s really going on rather than taking things at face value. Once trust is lost the Humpty Dumpty effect sets in: it’s hard to put things back together again.

Let’s look at the types of trust that we may experience through life:

1. Perfect- we learn trust first from our parents

a. I trust everybody in the beginning

2. Damaged- withholding vital info, lying, receiving mixed messages

a. There’s the possibility of the bond being reestablished

3. Devastated- when your limits have been violated by behavior you deem morally unacceptable

4. Restored- remember that you won’t get past betrayal overnight!

a. Trust won’t be as complete as it once was

b. Guarded, conditional, or selective

 

Be mindful that trust is a choice and it has to be created moment by moment. The renewal of trust will often require a lifestyle change. So if you need help-get it; if you need change-make it.

Let me share 5 steps to facilitate recovery if trust has been broken:

 

 Acknowledge you action

  • You’ll want to have a conversation before, not after your partner finds out from some outside source

  • The longer you live the lie, the deeper the damage, the more difficult for full recovery and the longer the healing process

  • Getting out in front of things creates a higher level of trust with your partner

Address the questions

  • Your partner will need answers to come to terms with things

  • Don’t be defensive in response to their request for info

  • Communicate in a way that will restore good will

  • See the questions as a chance to practice the kind of truth telling the relationship needs

Listen to their feelings

  • Your partner’s feelings may not be rational, but they are real

  • Don’t analyze, judge, evaluate, or reason

Take responsibility

  • Acknowledge the truth of what you’ve done and avoid explanations, rationalizations, excuses, and justifications

Be patient

  • Your partner may need a lot of evidence that you’re trustworthy before believing anything you say, this takes time & requires patience

  • The process will take longer than you think it should and will require self-constraint & compassion

  • Resist the temptation to push them to “get over it”

 

Keep in mind that successful healing can transform a damaged partnership into a sacred union.