From Ex To Next

There’s often that tricky transition stage from one relationship to the next. Questions of: “Am I ready?” “Am I over my ex?” “Am I emotionally available?” “Is this new person going to make my ex wish they’d acted right?” These questions and others plague our minds, but in the background hurt, pain, and anger after often lingering. You’ve invested time, energy, finances, and emotions all for what?!?

Listen, just because that relationship ended doesn’t mean that it was a failure! Did you grow from it? Did you discover things about yourself you didn’t already know? Do you see yourself more clearly now? If the answer is yes then know that the relationship served a purpose thus there’s a level of success that the relationship helped you to attain.

Yeah Stephen I get it, but the pain of the loss has paralyzed me. I still find myself upset at my ex, not liking my ex, even hating my ex at times and I don’t know how to get past my ex and move on to my next. This is common, you’re not alone and you don’t have to suffer in silence.

The loss of a relationship can evoke the same feelings as the loss of a loved one due to death.  There are 5 stages of grief & loss that we all experience with either dynamic: Denial & Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Identify where you are in this process and be ok with the process and don’t allow anyone to rush you through your process. But beyond the grief and loss process allow me to share 5 tips that should help you transition from your ex to your next in a healthy way.

Let Go Of the Fantasy

A large portion of the pain you feel has noting to do with the relationship you really had. Most people don’t want back the relationship they actually had. What you’re mourning is the relationship you thought you could have had if things were different. We forget about what’s real and idealize what we wanted it to be. I get that letting go of that dream can be difficult but if you’re going to move forward you’ll need to acknowledge the full truth of the relationship and why it ended.

Discover Your True Emotions

The reality is that you don’t hate your ex; you really just hate what became of the relationship. It’s always easier to hate a person rather than the situation because you can lay responsibility on the person. Hatred is often the default because it’s easier than facing your true emotions and it makes you feel as if you’re protecting yourself. I recommend that you be honest about what really has you upset instead of disguising your feelings with hatred. You don’t hate your ex; you’re just disappointed that they turned out to be everything that they said they weren’t.

Make Peace With the Past

Nothing hurts more than when someone you loved does something that causes you to reevaluate whom you believed him or her to be. What you’ll need to do is perform an autopsy on the relationship, but don’t keep exhuming the corpse! It’s ok to ask questions, but be sure you’re ready for the answers. Sometimes seeing things through the other’s lens helps you understand the “what” and the “why” clearer. The closure that you’ll hopefully gain through this process will help your brain make sense of why you’ve been so angry.

Love Yourself

Moving on from a relationship that just isn’t working is ultimately about loving yourself. You’ve got to believe that you deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone who shares your values & treats you well. That requires that you first view yourself in a positive light! Stop expecting someone else to treat you better than you treat yourself. Every relationship teaches us about ourselves and gives us clarity about what we need to become a better version of ourselves.

Keep Your Distance

Many want to be friends as a way to keep hope alive because letting go is so overwhelming. The problem is that being friends can’t happen, in a genuine way, until you’ve healed from the pain, which requires space & time. Now there’s a difference between being friends and being friendly-the difference is the elimination of expectations. So yes this mean un-following them on social media, disconnecting from their family, avoiding the gym or Starbucks they frequent.